today i found a happiness i might have lost
in all the busyness,
lost in all the waiting
and forgetting here and now.
i found moments
that found me in all their glistening meant to be
and they led me to a way
and they showed me how to walk.
once, we didn’t know each other. once, we hadn’t met. i was younger then, and maybe not quite me, i was just searching and waiting for life to sweep me off my feet.
then, it was you.
forever it is you.
so maybe this was written
entirely in the stars.
a constellation love story burning bright, somewhere far across the universe.
there was never a beginning, you know, just a place where we picked up. a moment in time to bring us back together.
we were only ever inches from each other,
for each other.
made for this.
to meet and meet and meet again.
in all the lifetimes we’ve ever had.
and we might spend eternity finding one another in that writing in the stars.
i’ve known you from ago.
and how i long for that simplicity, for you to feel what i feel and realise that this isn’t happenstance, that this isn’t crazy or strange or unusual in any way. that this is what it is because we make it like it is, because we say yes or we say no or stop or go or change this way that way up down stay leave travel job money child puppy partnership priorities house home
higher stiller clearer
more less and or forever never
bind your soul to the edges of my own. and feel what i feel, it won’t take you long.
feel the rumbles and the softness of the change you can rely on. feel the pain and the hurt of the moments that don’t quite go your way. feel it all how it all should be felt, let it go and leave the rest to fate. wish upon that first bright star and find your dreams come true in explosive moments so surreal and momentary. and they’ll all become part of your very perfect future so very perfectly out of your very perfect control. and you’ll surrender to the causality, to the uncontrollable notion that nothing and everything will go to plan. and that no plan [and every plan and even every unknown plan] is, in its entirety,
steep your dreams in permanence. brew ideas from the deepest crevasse of your imagination. live your own incredible, immaculate life. and build it from the wishes of everything your brave beautiful beating heart desires.
so i change and break, and move and stay and fall and fly and hurt and stumble, and i get right back up. those moments of shifting and deciding what’s right or worthy or wrong or hopeful will bring resolve to my life my path my future.
i’ll find the answers in the roots, in the arteries of the empathy and the reason for it all.
why do the pieces fall in the places they do?
why do they fall at all?
i make patterns from the chaos and pictures in the litter. this life is beaming with possibilities so open, endless. infinite. i choose what i choose and i follow the lead of my heart. her beat lays braille, she’s the compass i read, wide-eyed and willingly. and the touch pulls me gently, the faintest flutter, the air in a butterfly’s wings.
she’ll pave a way through the wilderness of this wonderful, beautiful, magical world.
it appears to me that destiny rules.
and only time can split the past in paths of two or three or four. and we won’t know until we see it chasing and clawing and knocking at the door to our hearts, so fragile, and beating, bleating, bleeding buckets of hope. so deaf to sounds other than love and fate.
oh my soul – utterly, profoundly, exotically yearning.
why are you there and not here and a dream and not real and a thought and not mine to have. to steal your heart, your soul, everything you’ll give in all your deepest breaths.
mine is yours.
sometimes i get a bit confused, between happenstance and meant-to-be.
is it my head of my heart that’s making so much noise?
i can’t hear it through all the skin and bones of reason. speak up, heart! it’s her, i know it.
i’m thinking two steps ahead, and i keep reminding myself to slow down – go with the flow, take it as it comes – but i’m now wondering if the reason i’m going crazy in the first place is because i’m fighting with my heart?
and i know,
that’s not what should be done.
she’s whispering to me all the paths of the map, the destined tracks, the compass, the arrows, pointing and plotting. carving its way.
listen listen listen listen.
clues float in the heavy air, through the deepest breaths of every steady beat.
there’s nothing more, it’s now and it’s me. and every cell of my being exists so perfectly for the moments of my life to have fallen, settled and gathered, like this.
i am that
that i am.
a part of the universe. within the waves and floods, the hurricanes and wildfires of its strong and beating heart. me.
there is no one else. no one but me. and all the moments, the feelings, the dreams and the regrets. well, they come, they go, and they leave only smoke trails in my life. now. now is all there is. it’s me, it’s the power i never knew i held.
it’s every perfect fragment of the smallest slice of time.
i’ll pray until my knees turn black and blue, indented by the ground that becomes a part of me. i’ll pray until the fire in my heart stops burning, and the light in my eyes stops glowing.
until the sun stops shining and the stars start falling and the world stops spinning. i’ll pray.
i’ll pray, everyday, until my skin turns cold and my breath becomes my spirit.
it’s hidden in our ignorance, the oblivion of our shallow smiles. our choices aren’t our own. but that magic is the terrifying, stark, gloriousness of our destiny.
fate is my religion. destiny, my god. hope is my prayer and love, well love, that’s the meaning of it all.