and for a second the cars stopped driving and the man stopped sweeping and the rain stopped falling and i stopped tap tap tapping on my keyboard writing frantically about you.
and in that second, the stillness took me over as i daydreamed of something so far from right here and now. as i awoke back to reality, back to cars and sweeping and rain and typing and thinking about you [and if] and when the hell i should be saying that bittersweet goodbye to this life
to these days of everything
to what it’s so clearly beginning to mean.
it appears that all i’m really trying to do is stop time.
i’m not feeling like i have been [which is a bad thing]. something has shifted [bad], something has changed [bad]. i miss me. but, honestly. i’m behaving like i don’t know what i want, like i’m rolling with bad timing and poor fit. it’s not me. it’s not who i know.
it rained tonight. rained on the warm asphalt. it smelt so sweet. i love that smell. it makes me think of summertime.
i know i need to sleep. i know i’ll wake in the morning with a fresh mind, clear and excited again. but i can’t tear myself away. it’s like i’m hypnotised from the methodical tapping of my fingers on the keyboard. [like that feeling when your eyes glaze over – you can still see, but only outlines of blurred shapes and glowing silhouettes]. the thing is, i want to write, but there’s something holding me back. so i can’t write and i can’t sleep. go figure.
that something that shifted is undeniably noticeable. i can feel it. in every breath.
i hope my dreams are peaceful tonight.
i’m lying in the sun.
lying in the sun and hearing the faint melody of jack johnson. a few doors down, i’d say.
summer is on it’s way.
i haven’t been honest with myself. not lately.
the fountain streams behind me.
it’s like an out of body experience. i don’t know who i am today. the sun warms my skin. i feel that. it’s a perfect moment of fleetingness, and i know that, just like this time i’ve had so far. waiting for summer. making plans. then, changing my mind.
i didn’t know it like i thought i did. and as days passed by, i could see that more and more. until this moment. the sky is just as clear.
it’s just me and my thoughts now, i’m not surprised it took this long.
i’m thinking about europe. a lot. and i’m writing about it because it seems to happen that when i write about my dreams to travel and of all the places i’m desperately yearning to visit, it somehow comes to life.
so bring me my european adventure and let my dreams come true.