yeah

and why shouldn’t it drive you crazy? why shouldn’t it be overwhelming, incomprehensible, unfathomable? 

why should it be understandable, logical or anything close to normal?

why not just let the feelings be feelings, float with the beauty and the madness and let your heart run free.

out of the blue.

the bubbles floated up in fits around my face, my vision slightly blurred, the goggles did their best to help me see through the deep blueness.

the water was dense, with particles of used-to-be life. blood and flesh, to draw them in. bait them. tempt them.

and so they came.

the sharks circled us, great whites feigning interest before attacking when we least expected – out of the blue. the biggest was five meters long, it swam beneath us [safe in the cage] and my mind cleared.

it was like i was watching a movie. i heard the bubbles of my breath, the heaving of the cage, drunkenly clanging against the boat. there was a squeak in my ears from the pressure of the water, and there were fragments of silence when i held the air in my lungs.

i suspended myself there in the water, held down with weights and my feet and hands under the rails of the cage, and i breathed calmly, stared into the ocean and thought of nothing. until the sharks woke me from each blue daydream.

renegade

i want to go fast. speed. and i want to get caught. push myself to the extreme. i’m forgetting there are consequences, i’m living reckless. all i can think about is being rogue and tiptoeing dangerously close to the edge. disregarding boundaries, forgetting rules. abandon. throwing caution to the wind, without romanticism. it’s dirty, filthy living at it’s worst, or it’s finest. betraying, unjustifiable behaviour. it’s life without care. a deafening mess.

heartache makes me crazy. i’ll bet you didn’t know.