i do my best to shift it aside, dull it from my memory bank. push it to the darkest corner of my mind. but it comes rattling through and shakes me up, this fear. it’s eating me, so silently, alive.
it’s the remembering that scares me most. but, this won’t be like that. see, this fear brings courage, elation, change! yes, change!
so i swallow it along with all the care i have. the newness has me trembling with anticipation. [goosebumps run up and down my arms at the thought of it all.]
life is delivering bucketloads of unending possibilities right to the doorstep of my heart.
i’ll meet him either way. no matter what. no matter the path, he’ll be there waiting.
because that’s how it’s meant to be.
that’s how it was
meant to be.
is it my head of my heart that’s making so much noise?
i can’t hear it through all the skin and bones of reason. speak up, heart! it’s her, i know it.
i’m thinking two steps ahead, and i keep reminding myself to slow down – go with the flow, take it as it comes – but i’m now wondering if the reason i’m going crazy in the first place is because i’m fighting with my heart?
and i know,
that’s not what should be done.
she’s whispering to me all the paths of the map, the destined tracks, the compass, the arrows, pointing and plotting. carving its way.
listen listen listen listen.
clues float in the heavy air, through the deepest breaths of every steady beat.
i can hear it in his voice. in the words he doesn’t say. one day to the next, a change on yesterday.
he thought i’d change my mind after hearing he disapproved. but i did it anyway.
reckless, selfish, expressive me.
i hate that i’ve disappointed you, dad. i didn’t know something so small would matter so much.