you know, you do.

it was like it always existed, but never showed up til then. til now.

there’s an alchemist that lives in my heart. he injects my veins with love, with light, with energy, spirit, passion, hunger for belonging, and longing for it all. i watch as the elixir evaporates into tiny particles of loveliness. like sundays in a summer dress; autumn leaves that float too gently through the rippling breeze; dew gathering momentum as it slides into itself down blades of grass; then the smell of spring – of tulips, a hillside, the warming sun on dampened pavement.

the seasons of my heart, making good what has never been bad, just empty. til then, til now. i watch it fall like the leaves of the elm trees that line the street below my house.

those words

i’m lying in the sun.

lying in the sun and hearing the faint melody of jack johnson. a few doors down, i’d say.

summer is on it’s way.

i haven’t been honest with myself. not lately.

the fountain streams behind me.

it’s like an out of body experience. i don’t know who i am today. the sun warms my skin. i feel that. it’s a perfect moment of fleetingness, and i know that, just like this time i’ve had so far. waiting for summer. making plans. then, changing my mind.

i didn’t know it like i thought i did. and as days passed by, i could see that more and more. until this moment. the sky is just as clear.

it’s just me and my thoughts now, i’m not surprised it took this long.

musing

i decided to reassess. after a great conversation with a great friend, i started thinking about how the past six months have changed me, allowed me to grow and become a different person. let’s say better.

i started this blog as a way of transitioning into the next phase of my life – whatever that is, i am still unsure. and instead of creating an aura of achievement through successful job applications (apparently the next step in life after study), i have found achievement within discovering myself and appreciating my growth.

six months ago, i was lost. and while i am still without a plan, i have a clear head. no muddiness or irrational thoughts. just no next step. and what i’ve learned is to be okay with that. everything comes with time. a watched pot never boils. 

there are moments i remember, thoughts i recall thinking, even just two months ago. they don’t seem like me. the me i am now is more confident, prepared, filled with a desire to achieve and succeed. for no one else but me. i am okay with knowing there is no next step. and maybe it’s just that which is the next step. unaware, i discover.

you reach a certain point in your life when you progress into “adulthood”, or maturity, perhaps. two years ago something happened to me. it changed me. i can see it, physically, in photographs. what i saw in photographs then is the equivalent to what i feel now. something has changed. it is absolute and undeniable.

little things have brought me to the place i am at, internally, now. people, events, circumstances have all influenced who i have become. and i like it. i’m sure i’ll continue to change for the rest of my life, but what i have learned this year seems invaluable. i think it will be “my year that was”. growing, learning, changing, establishing.

that’s the point.

you get comfortable. you become unhappy. but you think you’re too far gone. so you settle. convince yourself this is what you want, where you want to be, who you want to be. when you hit that wall and realise it’s not for you, will you push the thought aside and stay 65% happy, or will you stop, reassess and do something about it?

what type of person are you?

too many people don’t realise the implications of being miserable. so many different examples emerge all of which are blunt, so bear with me: fat man keeps getting fatter dies of a heart attack at 57. routine. it’s too much effort to change. girl stays in totally innocent yet unbelievably boring relationship decides she wants more, cheats, feels guilty, unintentionally breaks his heart. weak. it’s too hard to break up. woman receives amazing career opportunity yet stays at her job out of comfort, although totally unmotivated, boss is unappreciative of her lacklustre efforts so fires her anyway. fear. i’m too scared of the unknown. in each of these cases, you are left with nothing.

dead, guilt, jobless.

i can understand how people get themselves into these situations. but it’s what you do after that separates the mice from the men, so to speak. moving on is hard. but sometimes staying in one place, one situation, is even harder.

i felt it here. i felt the pull of something more. i was not completely unhappy, but i was becoming unmotivated, restless. i needed to move on so i made plans. and it was a hard decision. leaving people who i felt loyalties towards. leaving something i felt committed to seeing out. but i wanted to move on. so i worked around it. bittersweet, yes. but sometimes you have to take the good with the bad.

there is always a point where you say enough is enough. you’re never too far gone. you always have more than one option. don’t settle.

what type of person are you? consider your sanity. acknowledge the fact you’re wasting precious time. be proactive, take chances.

if you think there’s more, there probably is. 

hairpin turns

going back to hana sunday. sooner than i thought, i get to go back to the place that changed my thinking. i wonder what she’ll do to me this time.