fraying

it was a year ago, today, that my entire life changed as i sat on a plane to a place [in particular] with these dreams and these hopes and this fervour for adventure. a year, to the day, that i left so unsure but so determined, and so certain. a fire born from my sun my heart that raged its way through every crack of all my breaking bones and filled the chips with warmth and wisdom. and since then and until this very day right now this second this moment, perhaps, i know. i know. i know so much more about so much more. and still, all i know about all i know makes up the absolute nothing of the anything.

fuck so much has changed in a year.

hawaiian loves

IMG_7507

oh my goodness, i want to tell you all about it!

i want to tell you how my heart raced and my breath was caught between my throat and escape. i want to tell you how intently i watched the exit, thinking everyone was them as my eyes lit up with the excitement that rushed around my body. i want to tell you the feeling that came over me when i saw them, walking out the door, nearly exactly how i remember. the loving relief of her mum, the recognition in her eyes and the cheekiness in her grin. how my heart melted with happiness. how my tears welled with gladness. how everything was just so right when she wrapped her tiny fingers around my own so big and clumsy, and walked with me, chatting, asking me questions, looking up and giggling at me. her two and a half years can’t explain how clever she is, she’s witty so wise so very wonderful, beyond her years.

pearl and her mummy on their debut overseas adventure, to visit me in hawaii. i think i just might be the luckiest girl in this world.

have you ever cried upside down?

today was two kinds of day.

it was beautiful and it was agonising. it was inspiring. it was nostalgia, wrapped in a sweater of friendship and love. it was a tremendous amount of anxiety, of preparation… preparing for heartache. my body steadying for the blow.

oh.

it will be tough.

my eyelids were wet with tears. a coldness, made from salt and all my fears. time is gaining on me. in thirteen sleeps i’ll be up, up and away.

change makes me sad. change makes me happy. change makes me.

see you there, my friend.

half the world is sleeping, i’m the one awake. and it’s hard to make the move to bed… it’s hard without goodnight.

half
my world
is sleeping, somewhere far away. so i’ll dream of distant dreamers. you sleep i sleep, you wake i wake.

and then
there are those pretty hours in between it all.

now that will never change.

getting it done

things are moving.

happening.

changing.

i’m close to tears every second of the day. i’m breathless with excitement. i’m incredibly in love with the life that’s waiting for me.

just
around
the corner.

ready, set, go.

change

when do you start following the signs? listening to all the movements of the universe?

its whispers have turned into screams.

fuck.

life is so short.

you know, you do.

it was like it always existed, but never showed up til then. til now.

there’s an alchemist that lives in my heart. he injects my veins with love, with light, with energy, spirit, passion, hunger for belonging, and longing for it all. i watch as the elixir evaporates into tiny particles of loveliness. like sundays in a summer dress; autumn leaves that float too gently through the rippling breeze; dew gathering momentum as it slides into itself down blades of grass; then the smell of spring – of tulips, a hillside, the warming sun on dampened pavement.

the seasons of my heart, making good what has never been bad, just empty. til then, til now. i watch it fall like the leaves of the elm trees that line the street below my house.

those words

i’m lying in the sun.

lying in the sun and hearing the faint melody of jack johnson. a few doors down, i’d say.

summer is on it’s way.

i haven’t been honest with myself. not lately.

the fountain streams behind me.

it’s like an out of body experience. i don’t know who i am today. the sun warms my skin. i feel that. it’s a perfect moment of fleetingness, and i know that, just like this time i’ve had so far. waiting for summer. making plans. then, changing my mind.

i didn’t know it like i thought i did. and as days passed by, i could see that more and more. until this moment. the sky is just as clear.

it’s just me and my thoughts now, i’m not surprised it took this long.

musing

i decided to reassess. after a great conversation with a great friend, i started thinking about how the past six months have changed me, allowed me to grow and become a different person. let’s say better.

i started this blog as a way of transitioning into the next phase of my life – whatever that is, i am still unsure. and instead of creating an aura of achievement through successful job applications (apparently the next step in life after study), i have found achievement within discovering myself and appreciating my growth.

six months ago, i was lost. and while i am still without a plan, i have a clear head. no muddiness or irrational thoughts. just no next step. and what i’ve learned is to be okay with that. everything comes with time. a watched pot never boils. 

there are moments i remember, thoughts i recall thinking, even just two months ago. they don’t seem like me. the me i am now is more confident, prepared, filled with a desire to achieve and succeed. for no one else but me. i am okay with knowing there is no next step. and maybe it’s just that which is the next step. unaware, i discover.

you reach a certain point in your life when you progress into “adulthood”, or maturity, perhaps. two years ago something happened to me. it changed me. i can see it, physically, in photographs. what i saw in photographs then is the equivalent to what i feel now. something has changed. it is absolute and undeniable.

little things have brought me to the place i am at, internally, now. people, events, circumstances have all influenced who i have become. and i like it. i’m sure i’ll continue to change for the rest of my life, but what i have learned this year seems invaluable. i think it will be “my year that was”. growing, learning, changing, establishing.