it was a year ago, today, that my entire life changed as i sat on a plane to a place [in particular] with these dreams and these hopes and this fervour for adventure. a year, to the day, that i left so unsure but so determined, and so certain. a fire born from my sun my heart that raged its way through every crack of all my breaking bones and filled the chips with warmth and wisdom. and since then and until this very day right now this second this moment, perhaps, i know. i know. i know so much more about so much more. and still, all i know about all i know makes up the absolute nothing of the anything.
fuck so much has changed in a year.
oh my goodness, i want to tell you all about it!
i want to tell you how my heart raced and my breath was caught between my throat and escape. i want to tell you how intently i watched the exit, thinking everyone was them as my eyes lit up with the excitement that rushed around my body. i want to tell you the feeling that came over me when i saw them, walking out the door, nearly exactly how i remember. the loving relief of her mum, the recognition in her eyes and the cheekiness in her grin. how my heart melted with happiness. how my tears welled with gladness. how everything was just so right when she wrapped her tiny fingers around my own so big and clumsy, and walked with me, chatting, asking me questions, looking up and giggling at me. her two and a half years can’t explain how clever she is, she’s witty so wise so very wonderful, beyond her years.
pearl and her mummy on their debut overseas adventure, to visit me in hawaii. i think i just might be the luckiest girl in this world.
today was two kinds of day.
it was beautiful and it was agonising. it was inspiring. it was nostalgia, wrapped in a sweater of friendship and love. it was a tremendous amount of anxiety, of preparation… preparing for heartache. my body steadying for the blow.
it will be tough.
my eyelids were wet with tears. a coldness, made from salt and all my fears. time is gaining on me. in thirteen sleeps i’ll be up, up and away.
change makes me sad. change makes me happy. change makes me.
half the world is sleeping, i’m the one awake. and it’s hard to make the move to bed… it’s hard without goodnight.
is sleeping, somewhere far away. so i’ll dream of distant dreamers. you sleep i sleep, you wake i wake.
there are those pretty hours in between it all.
now that will never change.
things are moving.
i’m close to tears every second of the day. i’m breathless with excitement. i’m incredibly in love with the life that’s waiting for me.
ready, set, go.
when do you start following the signs? listening to all the movements of the universe?
its whispers have turned into screams.
life is so short.