out of the blue.

the bubbles floated up in fits around my face, my vision slightly blurred, the goggles did their best to help me see through the deep blueness.

the water was dense, with particles of used-to-be life. blood and flesh, to draw them in. bait them. tempt them.

and so they came.

the sharks circled us, great whites feigning interest before attacking when we least expected – out of the blue. the biggest was five meters long, it swam beneath us [safe in the cage] and my mind cleared.

it was like i was watching a movie. i heard the bubbles of my breath, the heaving of the cage, drunkenly clanging against the boat. there was a squeak in my ears from the pressure of the water, and there were fragments of silence when i held the air in my lungs.

i suspended myself there in the water, held down with weights and my feet and hands under the rails of the cage, and i breathed calmly, stared into the ocean and thought of nothing. until the sharks woke me from each blue daydream.

boo boo.

and at that moment, i was overcome by an absolute wave of emotion.

i wish it too, brooke. we had that bucket list we were ticking life from. slowly creating memories, slowly seeing our lives fall into place. the momentum of it all pushing us to the next.

check, check, check.

i read that sentence you wrote to me and it brought back those feelings of all those outrageous and fun times we shared. you’re so right, ying and yang. 

if only adelaide was in sydney, you said. if only.

and on that bucket list? the dream to live together, one day. you and i. painting our nails at midnight and drinking wine till our lips turn red. speaking about life until we’re blue in the face and finding the moments to spend with each other between life and other things. being kids and being grown ups and knowing it’s okay to be both.

i miss the life we had together. but we’ve grown; on our own, in different cities, with different friends and different lives. it’s that thread pulling at our ankles and our wrists, keeping us somehow together.

if you tug, i’ll follow.