be still

[waitpinga beach, south australia]

today, i sat on a beach and watched the sunset over the ocean. i walked along its shores and let the sea run through my toes. i waited in the whitewash, i sank in the wetness.

i walked to drier ground and sat and watched the waves. i picked up sand, rubbed it between my fingers as i thought about being there. truly there. i let it hold me up, i let myself dig deeper down. i felt it’s cool damp. i saw birds and smelled air so fresh, like dry grass wet from the cooling eve. i felt the warmth on my skin and i squinted at the brightness of the day’s last light. spots formed in my vision after staring at the sun for too long, they clouded my sight, i rubbed my eyes. remembered what we were told and wondered if staring at a setting sun was alright… it sank below the horizon, turning the sky a simple faded red. an island in the foreground, its painted silhouette.

i felt a lot. i felt my breath. i counted out my inhales and my exhales. i matched them, second for second. i thought of everything and nothing and i was there, fully there. i was in myself, out of myself, within the earth. it felt like i was everywhere. i watched fishermen reel in their catches, grins spread across their faces, rods bowing at the the current and fish pulling to be free. the waves crashed to shore, out again they went. just like my breath, steady and knowing and sure.

abracadabra

there’s a natural filter here, he said, if you don’t move with the flow, follow the pace, remove the struggle and find your place within the entirety of the fluidity, you won’t find the magic. you won’t feel the energy. you won’t find open doors to open air and open hearts, you know, they’re everywhere. 

there’s a finality to my days now. things are blossoming and things are closing, just how they should. just how i feel is right. there’s a bigger sense of being, a more enormous feeling of living, on this island soaked in salt water mystery.

the wind whips against my skin, coiling across the universe, leaving me in seconds of stillness to breathe and dream and wonder.

forever isn’t so long.

living, breathing, under the sun.

there was a moment today, just after we, the 80 or so yogis, inhaled as one.

‘ommmmm’, we chanted with our exhale, just as the wind picked up and crawled between the sun and the shade to the echo of our energy. ‘whhhooooshhh’, it answered, as the space between the trees where we stood came to vibrant life. the pulsating, invisible power of our collective om – the breath of the wind, the flow.

it was divinity. it was love and everything else.

essential

she asked us to stay present tonight. to stay in the room. to stay with each breath. but my mind was racing. a million miles an hour it was racing. i was thinking and planning and dreaming up moments.

what we’d say. what the weather would be like. how it would all end up.

mmm. my mind was racing. thoughts of how and when and wishing on stars. of what’s next and where to. what am i meant to do with it all? my mind jumped from thought to thought as my body moved from pose to pose.

but i came back to my breath in yoga tonight, filling my lungs, my soul, with new, positive, liberating energy. the opposite fading with each determined exhale.

i came back to my breath, yes, even as those thoughts tried to rush around my body, with the blood coursing through my heart, beating so fast.

i’ll tame my wild thoughts. one day i will.