no less

i wish there were words more powerful than ‘i love you’ to tell you how i feel.

he said.

but those are perfect and the most beautiful and encapsulate everything we want to say because we mean it from the bottom of our hearts with the entirety of our souls.

i said right back.

dear molly

i want to write down all the things i just need to tell you, until my eyes close and i’m left only dreaming of them all. and in these beautiful dreams, i’ll be back there and we’ll be watching sunsets and running down the bike path and eating ice cream with forks and drinking the cheapest red wine talking shit and sex and life sitting on the picnic table in the yard under fairy lights and stars. and you’ll be making me laugh like i don’t ever laugh and life will be wonderful and fun and full.

oh how i miss you. i feel it in my everyday.

[fifty-eight]

singing and dancing in the rain at a gay festival in stuttgart, germany. with one of my all time favourite people.

pull my heart out [like a rug] from underneath me.

it’s beating fast tonight. something has me on edge. i’m snappy and i’m angry and i’m taking it out on people i love most. i’m sorry, i am.

i think it’s because she’s leaving. a wonderful girl – running away to chase her dreams – flying to london tomorrow, to see the bridge fall down, ride a double decker bus, eat scones, wave to the queen, and do everything else you do there. not that it’s new, to her.

in a serious way, i’ll miss her like mad. but the excitement i feel for her swells in my veins. the love i feel for the moments i know await her, is physical. overwhelming. it’s like a dream you can’t escape – fluid and vivid and full of scents that pull memories to mind. 

and i’ll be there soon enough, feeling something new everyday. finding my way, wandering in lust for the big fat world eating me up.

bon voyage ranny. may every moment be food for your soul.

pru. she was away for a while. doing something meaningful. filling little lives with hope. i missed her.

there’s something about pru and i. i’ll always have a huge amount of love for this kid.

boo boo.

and at that moment, i was overcome by an absolute wave of emotion.

i wish it too, brooke. we had that bucket list we were ticking life from. slowly creating memories, slowly seeing our lives fall into place. the momentum of it all pushing us to the next.

check, check, check.

i read that sentence you wrote to me and it brought back those feelings of all those outrageous and fun times we shared. you’re so right, ying and yang. 

if only adelaide was in sydney, you said. if only.

and on that bucket list? the dream to live together, one day. you and i. painting our nails at midnight and drinking wine till our lips turn red. speaking about life until we’re blue in the face and finding the moments to spend with each other between life and other things. being kids and being grown ups and knowing it’s okay to be both.

i miss the life we had together. but we’ve grown; on our own, in different cities, with different friends and different lives. it’s that thread pulling at our ankles and our wrists, keeping us somehow together.

if you tug, i’ll follow.