loving kindness

 let go of your mind so you can fall into your heart.
i know i get in my own way, the thoughts the wondering, the logic, the panic.
short of breath i tell myself the hardest is to come. i give into the sadness the loneliness the doubting i might ever make it out. i lose the moment in the thinking. i lose the moment, i lose myself, i lose the reason behind my always moving forward, searching  within.
it’s the moment that matters most of all.
we have so few.
this life is so short.

so there should be no more rehashing or rehearsing
he told us tonight as i felt the earth beneath my feet and lifted my chest to the sky to let my heart shed shining, blinding light.
my big and bold and grateful heart, a heart of joy, led by love, led by now.
a heart who knows how to feel, who knows where to guide me, who teaches gentleness and courage, faith and hopefulness.
a heart who is here. its life force always home as it beats in this metronome of constant, steadiness, sameness and calm.
without thinking, follow feeling, follow truth, follow kindness. without thinking, be here now. let the shining, blinding light of your big and bold and knowing heart lead the way, head held high face beaming eyes glittering thoughts still and calm and easy and now.

is

a loneliness i  spent a long time avoiding washed over me like i never knew it would [again]. 

i thought i conquered this, i thought it was all about the adventure the experience the living to a passionate tee?

well, dear, in  naivety, you thought wrong. with all your heartfelt goodness. all your silver linings and glasses half full, or filling, all the rainbows on rainy days and compassionate and unwavering belief of why things are how they are, you never once considered things might feel bad. and they might feel bad again. because it’s all a little like dull, leftover glitter stuck on every visible surface of your thin skin. and then some. it’s all a little like the walking and exhausting and the thinking and the thinking and thinking thinking thinkingthinkingthinking.

it’s all a little out of your control right now, so dear, in the here in the now, ride the wave and find the joy and love the moment for what and how it is. because it is all there is.

nostalgia…

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now. more than ever. in the final days and hours. in the measured moments. now. i stay here, i stay here now.

more than that

and for a second the cars stopped driving and the man stopped sweeping and the rain stopped falling and i stopped tap tap tapping on my keyboard writing frantically about you.

[yes, you].

and in that second, the stillness took me over as i daydreamed of something so far from right here and now. as i awoke back to reality, back to cars and sweeping and rain and typing and thinking about you [and if] and when the hell i should be saying that bittersweet goodbye to this life
to these days of everything
to what it’s so clearly beginning to mean.

it appears that all i’m really trying to do is stop time.

well,
shit.

wake up

don’t close your eyes to your life. don’t fear the fall. don’t fear the flight. say yes and watch the world race in blurs as it fills the cracks of all that is you. so bold, so brave.

open your eyes.

slow down. see a myriad of colours, see spectrums of light, see rainbows and bright glows, dulling nights and shadows. see blue see dark see it all between the stars, the clouds, the moon, the sun. and see what you create billowing across the picture of the life you paint, this surreal, moving scene made of time and matter. emotion. memories.

don’t let it pass you by. take your time. bless your soul.

i’m sad to have woken up so late,
i’m glad to have woken up so young.