today it felt so good, to be whipped by salty air.
my favourite air to breathe.
i inhaled deep.
it threw my hair in tangles. my eyes wept in stinging and cleansing as my body warmed from walking and talking and clearing my mind of all the fear and worry.
i battled today.
sometimes it feels constant and unforgiving, a little piece of everyday.
sometimes it creeps into my dreaming.
but each time, i learn more. and when i need it most, words of wisdom stoke my will to fight.
but today i turned the darkness into light as she walked by me and told me stories. as she smiled and we laughed and i knew it was
i was lashed by the cool wailing wind
of autumn by the sea.
it stirred me up
and then it set me free.
today, in multicolours. in sunshine, warmth and loveliness.
i followed the moon. all the way home. more than half a moon, it glowed.
[your moon, my moon,
did you see it tonight?
oh and the sky is so clear! truly, all the stars are out.
i wished on them too. i stopped when i saw the first star at dusk, the sky was still blue.
star light star bright, it winked at me through the fluttering leaves of an autumn tree
stark branches on top
red orange green leaves
all my wishes are coming true.
all my wishes know you.
coloured leaves fall for fall
above the streets
i weave a little life between.
the wind is cool against my flushed and rosy cheeks.
i’m all wrapped up in scarves and sweaters. i don’t mind it’s dark at 5pm. i don’t mind the clouds or rain or cold.
i don’t mind being something to you.
it all falls for fall,
and i fall in vivid colours too.
inspired, once more. i find myself in coffee shops, reading, dozing, eating, watching gold and red and brown leaves fall from trees, all around. i find myself allowing myself to feel, allowing it all to become a very permanent and very important piece of the puzzle of my very audacious life. i find myself kissing and thinking and writing and becoming lost in a world that feels like a dream and feels like real life and feels like everything else that falls in between.
there’s a movement and a shifting of emotion and of being. there’s a certain sense of living that i’ve never felt before. there’s a difference in the way i look and feel and ask questions. i’m curious, i want more. i want forever and a day bottled in glass jars for whenever i feel time slipping away. i want the density and intensity of this humble life to overcome my fears and pleasures and take its toll on the earth i tread so lightly and so surely across. i walk my path, i walk it with graciousness. with pride. with confidence. i walk my path, i run, i stop. regardless of the pace, it’s along this path i find the treasures of a life lived on the edge of the ultimate expression of all i find so painful and raw. of all i find so wonderful. of all i find.
life starts with good mornings like this morning’s. life starts with a heart, beating out of control, and rare feelings coursing up and down your spine. life begins, life ends, life grows and continues in particles of perplexing perfection. in moments that stand out, moments that change us, moments you recognise as deep and as true.
[photo: greenlake. seattle, washington]
i don’t know where it came from, but i stumble gracefully over it with fear, with excitement, with a truth and ease to settle me.
i don’t know why it’s now,
but i know it’s happening
with or without me knowing why.
so maybe that’s a reason to give in to the reality of the feelings spreading over and through my skin [and where you’ve been caught so comfortably underneath it all].
my mind is flushed with rose
as i watch the leaves fall for fall,
in a colour not too different.
we smile through glances that last not a second too long.
we sip coffee and talk like it’s been more than a little while coming.
and the weather makes for a never-ending day cool enough to cool what’s burning in questions and answers all the same.
it was like it always existed, but never showed up til then. til now.
there’s an alchemist that lives in my heart. he injects my veins with love, with light, with energy, spirit, passion, hunger for belonging, and longing for it all. i watch as the elixir evaporates into tiny particles of loveliness. like sundays in a summer dress; autumn leaves that float too gently through the rippling breeze; dew gathering momentum as it slides into itself down blades of grass; then the smell of spring – of tulips, a hillside, the warming sun on dampened pavement.
the seasons of my heart, making good what has never been bad, just empty. til then, til now. i watch it fall like the leaves of the elm trees that line the street below my house.
the leaves are finally finding autumn. changing and falling, the trees becoming something else. unlike me.
i swallow the struggle silently. i purge my thoughts, a million a second, to myself. inside, on my own, by choice, i suffer. mine and mine alone. but that’s the thing – it’s yours too. we’re not dissimilar, you and i. i’ll carry yours and you’ll carry mine.
let’s walk, side-by-side.
it’s stilling. the swarm is settling to a swill of emotion and feeling that began to pour out around me. sending shivers and effortless memories away from now and into the past. so gently they fell there, and fall there, and make their mark there. so gently they leave me and come back to me and feel me watching them. so gently they are and just are.
the orange and brown and red leaves fall off the trees and float through the autumn air. all with a purpose. how do they know? and the sun, it now sets to the right of where it used to fall to sleep behind the horizon. lower and cooler and darker it’s becoming. that one star stays there though. each night it appears and each morning it fades.
i think i keep my heart in the sky.
the moon and the clouds, sunsets and rainbows, rain, sunshine, the freshest air and the dewiest dawn. the stars. their constellations. the shapes that dance in stillness.
don’t tell me what you don’t mean with all your soul. what’s the use in that? what’s the point in a life with no meaning? so don’t tell me things you don’t mean with all your soul.
want it and mean it and wish it more than anything. i’ll listen if you say it like you should.
bring me to life in your autumn once more.