i dream to pass the time

it’s all become clear.
i get it.
i see it!
you feel
what i feel
what you feel.

from near and from [this painfully] far.
i get it i see it. and it’s love. it’s our love.
oh my darling! it’s our big, big love.
and even still,
it’s even more.

nothing more, nothing less

today was hard. today i felt, a lot.
good bad indifferent. i felt it all and i wallowed in it all.
good bad indifferent.
i wallowed
then i swallowed my stubbornness and sorriness and dragged myself to yoga. back on the mat, there was purpose. there was reason. i moved, without thinking of anything but moving, and the heat and the stretch and the pain falling from my bones. and for that time in the room, i wept through sweat as i found a pace, a flow a rhythm. and my thoughts drifted away, somewhere nearby but not too near to my mind. it cleared. there were no worries. i simply did not care. and there was no thinking too far ahead.
it all came back to the
here
and the
now
as i realised, completely and honestly, it’s all there is. it’s all we have. it’s all we’ll ever really have. and as time slides effortlessly away, we understand how precious and fragile this whole thing is. we don’t have forever.
fuck, we barely have today.
why, in my right mindfulness, would i ever dream of wasting time consumed by doubt or fear, worry or planning.
fuck! i have my life to live!
but we do it. constantly. we find the faults and flaws and horror in our average day to day existence. we don’t take advantage of the beauty and just being and the fragility, the impermanence.
but what a life this is. how could i ever complain? it’s not relative, it’s ridiculous.
i stop and i think and i take a look around. i feel it filling me.
in the ache of my legs from using them in all their capability, in all their strength. the music that plays. the hum of the heater and the warmth it brings. a man that isn’t afraid to love me from so far away. the comfort of this life in all its pure and wholesome blessedness. my ability to realise how ridiculous i’ve been. my will to make it all better.
we get down. we do it tough. we make it hard for ourselves. but at the end of it all, if there is joy, if there is love, what else can we want for?

living breathing me

today it felt so good, to be whipped by salty air.
my favourite air to breathe.
i inhaled deep.
it threw my hair in tangles. my eyes wept in stinging and cleansing as my body warmed from walking and talking and clearing my mind of all the fear and worry.
i battled today.
sometimes it feels constant and unforgiving, a little piece of everyday.
sometimes it creeps into my dreaming.
sometimes.
but each time, i learn more. and when i need it most, words of wisdom stoke my will to fight.
it’s not
all always
sunshine.
but today i turned the darkness into light as she walked by me and told me stories. as she smiled and we laughed and i knew it was
all alright.
i was lashed by the cool wailing wind
of autumn by the sea.
it stirred me up
and then it set me free.

the healing vibes of the great outdoors

i remembered what he said when he told me how the earth breathes. he told it to me in waterfalls, that man with missing teeth and black hair tucked behind his ears. he showed it to me, the heartbeat, the rise and fall of her lungs, the way she moved as earthly sounds spread, echoing across her skin. and it moved. it did. the earth, she breathes.

and i remembered this as i walked along a stretch of coastline that brought me back to myself. as i stopped and watched the clouds, the sea, moving and breathing with me as we tracked along steep cliffs that plummeted into the wild aquamarine. crashing waves and blackened rocks. rolling hills and rocky trails. trees and flowers and shrubbery. just three friends and me. we trekked lightly as she held us up and pushed us forward in soft wind and light shadows from rolling clouds above, all warmth and cool, just right and just enough.

i don’t know why i stayed away so long, when i know, i always know, one breath of clean, crisp air, one step into the wilderness, one more step away from all sounds of civilisation… and i’m free.

australiana

IMG_4369
[photo: black hill conservation park, south australia]

trees trees trees. oh how insignificant all your worries become, when you’re wandering, in the wilderness, to nowhere in particular, with no purpose but clean air and adventure.
plumes of butterflies filled our path. the smells of the ferns, the tallest, skinniest gums and the biggest, widest elms. the rosellas, their sounds, their blurring multi-colours, tiny rainbows flying by. the kookaburra that dove right into the dirt, seconds later flew up to a branch to ate its prey in solitary bliss. [he never even knew we were there.]
the sun shone through branches and left shadows that bounced and played against the dirt and shrubbery. and then the kangaroos, who stood as families, so proud and so glorious, basking in the dusk of this very perfect day filled with all things australia and everything i needed to make this world feel somehow right again.