today was hard. today i felt, a lot.
good bad indifferent. i felt it all and i wallowed in it all.
good bad indifferent.
i wallowed
then i swallowed my stubbornness and sorriness and dragged myself to yoga. back on the mat, there was purpose. there was reason. i moved, without thinking of anything but moving, and the heat and the stretch and the pain falling from my bones. and for that time in the room, i wept through sweat as i found a pace, a flow a rhythm. and my thoughts drifted away, somewhere nearby but not too near to my mind. it cleared. there were no worries. i simply did not care. and there was no thinking too far ahead.
it all came back to the
here
and the
now
as i realised, completely and honestly, it’s all there is. it’s all we have. it’s all we’ll ever really have. and as time slides effortlessly away, we understand how precious and fragile this whole thing is. we don’t have forever.
fuck, we barely have today.
why, in my right mindfulness, would i ever dream of wasting time consumed by doubt or fear, worry or planning.
fuck! i have my life to live!
but we do it. constantly. we find the faults and flaws and horror in our average day to day existence. we don’t take advantage of the beauty and just being and the fragility, the impermanence.
but what a life this is. how could i ever complain? it’s not relative, it’s ridiculous.
i stop and i think and i take a look around. i feel it filling me.
in the ache of my legs from using them in all their capability, in all their strength. the music that plays. the hum of the heater and the warmth it brings. a man that isn’t afraid to love me from so far away. the comfort of this life in all its pure and wholesome blessedness. my ability to realise how ridiculous i’ve been. my will to make it all better.
we get down. we do it tough. we make it hard for ourselves. but at the end of it all, if there is joy, if there is love, what else can we want for?
