his skin was aglow with the fading warming sun,
even his eyes looked piercingly alight.
he stared out, i told him to wait, he stopped for me [reluctantly].
he was swallowing sunbeams and shining them right back at the sky. he didn’t even know how wonderful he was in that moment, as i fell evermore in love. he didn’t even know that i could feel all of him from where i stood, not so far away.
[i feel it all over again when i look at the flush in his cheeks in the picture i took.]
somehow it came out in the day we shared – a sunday best spent – as the sun set and the moon rose, and we soaked in salty air
the moving tide moved us closer.
the conversation turned to starlight as the moon rose over the hill we sat upon. cloudless and windless, our minds were aflutter. red wine stained our thoughts and words and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
at the end of it all, i couldn’t believe how much i loved him.
i live two lives.
they are winding rivers flowing parallel.
they are ravines shifting and creaking side-by-side.
they are the branches and the roots of his favourite madrona tree, with its burnt orange bark and evergreen leaves.
they are the moon and the sun. they are darkness and light
[and lightness and love].
forever moving forward i still get lost in this world.
then lost in his.
we’re lost in our love.
we become those days where the moon stays high in the sun-drenched sky. we become those evenings that remain so bright with dusk. my river follows his direction; his ravine keeps mine safe; his roots feed my branches and we both grow and move and change. time licks at our hearts and brings us ever closer to each other.
we are the link, the reason, the intertwining force. and our hearts provide the space where our duality intersects. where our two lives become the perfect, placid grace of one. where we wish on one another, know the magic as we feel it. surrender and deliver and discover and become.
we live two lives, but we live them as one.
because that’s what we are.
you’re just too far away.
the distance leaves salty stains across my heart.
and the closer it comes,
the further it feels.
it should only be happiness, with all that awaits us.
but i miss you more deeply than i ever have before.
i can still smell you on my sheets
you’re so close but so far
i feel you in my heart
i feel you in my heart.
what am i even waiting for? divinity? desperation? time? what’s the use in having this fire burning so wildly through my heart if i don’t feel it and feed it?
the air flows through easy breath through unknowing lungs. it’s all right there.
what’s the use in feeling all the beauty in being so close to something unlike me or you and this world we’re told to know.
it’s magic, i get it. and it’s swimming in my bloodstream ready to be poured in ink and words stories and prose.
slowly but surely
and fast burning
feeding the fire, walking into the light.
this is mine.
how did i find you in all of this? how you and how me and how did we come to meet and be so energetically, magically, uncontrollably in love? and with all the time and all the places we could have ever been. then, as much as it’s how, i know without a doubt, it was always going to be you and me.
just six more days to wait.
i’ll be living inside your pockets again,
in the creases of the memories,
scattered along the dream stained threads,
of our past and future,
living tucked inside the crystal brightness of our now now now.
it’s just six more days until we find our physical way back into the perfect, embodied space of love and loving. of easiness and hopefulness
together again. and all the waiting will be worth it,
as it always is.
we’ll be real-life dreaming.
changing the way we’re meant to be made, and it’ll be pulling me apart to pull us back and into one another,
double knotting the end to the start.
and so we forever go on.
there’s something so potent about the presence of your real-life flesh and blood.
the sky is telling me stories. with its golden-hued clouds and glowing setting sun, the darkening and the lightening as time moves constant and along.
things are falling into chanced and beautiful placing. things are coming and going both rapid and slow and i find myself in the middle of it watching it float by in this mysterious happenstance. the difference is
now i see it.
as a ray of sunshine lit a too-near horizon – in all the places you’d never expect it – and i looked up and it caught my eye and i thought of something poignant and right just at that time, it put chills up my spine and goosebumps on my skin.
so many things needed to happen for me to find you.
it’s not crazy, it’s perfect.
like the sky and its stories and the winding trails to understanding the enigmatic electricity that pulses through our veins.
i feel alone / i know you’re there.
the contrast is blinding and beautiful.
i’m not lonely because you’re there, loving me.
and i love you.
i see you in the stories in the extraordinary, shielding sky we share our days and sleep beneath
and dream beneath
and miss one another
the one thing that will bring you back to me.
stories flooding and raining and coursing on the wind
as you fly home.
let go of your mind so you can fall into your heart.
i know i get in my own way, the thoughts the wondering, the logic, the panic.
short of breath i tell myself the hardest is to come. i give into the sadness the loneliness the doubting i might ever make it out. i lose the moment in the thinking. i lose the moment, i lose myself, i lose the reason behind my always moving forward, searching within.
it’s the moment that matters most of all.
we have so few.
this life is so short.
so there should be no more rehashing or rehearsing he told us tonight as i felt the earth beneath my feet and lifted my chest to the sky to let my heart shed shining, blinding light.
my big and bold and grateful heart, a heart of joy, led by love, led by now.
a heart who knows how to feel, who knows where to guide me, who teaches gentleness and courage, faith and hopefulness.
a heart who is here. its life force always home as it beats in this metronome of constant, steadiness, sameness and calm.
without thinking, follow feeling, follow truth, follow kindness. without thinking, be here now. let the shining, blinding light of your big and bold and knowing heart lead the way, head held high face beaming eyes glittering thoughts still and calm and easy and now.