five sleeps

you are everything real. but i need you in your flesh and blood. i need to hold your face in my hands and run my fingers through your hair to the nape of your neck and kiss you soft and slow.
i miss you.
i wish i could show you just how much, bottle it in a jar, put it somewhere i’d never have to see. closed tight not spilling from all my veins and pores and wounds.
wounds that appeared as soon as i left your side
for that plane, the heavy, heaving heartache of our last goodbye still stinging my eyes, still choking me and hurting me and unravelling me from the inside.
breathless, i felt the distance in all its painful immediacy seventy-five days ago.

and now,
it’s now.

but there’s beauty in the waiting in the seeing you again. it’ll feel like time never passed and, back together at last, we’ll never think twice about the in betweens, the time spent pining and wishing and wondering and counting and trying to live without really living without each other. [without your voice and heartbeat to soothe me.]

i curl up in bed. wrap my arms around myself and hold my ribs and lungs and heart in place. watching it all still and crumble as i breathe through the minutes hours days. but it’s you. and i wake for you and i breathe for you and i hold it together without falling apart because of you.
it’s changed.
this isn’t about anything else. this is me and this is you and this is a life, a path we’ve stumbled on together. and this i choose. with all my willingness with all my knowing heart and soul.

a part of me was hidden in you, belonging. i found it again when we drove that road and walked those steps and you engraved our initials and the words ‘say yes’ in the wood in the clouds as time stood still and i knew i knew i knew.

so yes, to you to this to whatever it takes. to the hard times, the logistics, the making it work, the distance and everything else standing in our way. it means nothing in the end, when i know it’s you it’s for. you’re the only reason i’ll ever need. i’m saying yes to it all, to life to hellos, to everything you so real and true.

to no more goodbyes.

to you,
to you.

thoughts?

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