and last night we all slept in one big bed and pearl was tossing and turning and her feet and legs were all over the place and i couldn’t help but laugh aloud, and i did, and so did she and so did leah and then i went silent as tears took over laughter and i wept.
i cried in a way i’ve never cried before. i cried for how much i miss her, even as she sleeps right next to me. i cried for the amount of love i have for her. i cried for all the things i won’t be around for once i say goodbye again. i don’t want her to leave, i don’t want them to leave. i love them, so much. i miss my family. more than ever. the homesickness feels physical, emotional. i had it figured out, it was buried deep in my aching heart, but having them here has shifted all that has been hiding it from plain sight and daylight. it’s not a 3am feeling anymore, it’s 24 hours of every heat-filled day. and the heat seems only to be building in each hour and minute i’m away.
i love this life, the uncertainty of my future, flying by the seat of my pants, chasing dreams and summer, the unknowingness. but i miss my biggest loves,
more than i knew,
more than i can say,
more than my quiet heart knows how to feel.
i can’t tell you how grateful i am for you to be here.
it’s nothing, she said.
it’s everything, i said right back.
my heart breaks as i think about them leaving. i don’t know if i’m ready to miss them all over again.