the blame game

i knew when i heard the song. too coincidental. i should have known when i saw the car crashed into the wall of a restaurant. fated disasters. the night would end up a wreckage.

i never thought i would be that girl. i’m not proud of her. she was a rambling mess. but i don’t blame myself (that horribly masochistic emotionally abusive person i’ve never met, the one i’ve tried so hard to avoid). no. i blame you. even though i knew seeing you was wrong. toxic. what was i thinking…

frustrated, i was doing so well. five slow steps forward. one hundred back so fast. the downward spiral. but that, i don’t blame you for. that, yes, that is my fault. because i don’t know what i’m doing when it comes to this. i don’t have the emotional comprehension to know, instinctively or even by lessons learnt, how to handle the anger and hurt and confusion of what the bloody hell happened. i don’t like feeling out of control. not knowing. being kept in the dark. being treated like i shouldn’t. 

this could have been avoided. by me. by you.

thoughts?

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