it hit home today. when i opened my 2011 diary and there was nothing written after today. no plans.
2010 me would have liked this.
2011 me hates it.
so it looks like this blog is extending its stay. we aren’t going anywhere soon. lucky you? perhaps. count your blessings. so i start the year again. with all the same fervor of last year. a huge amount of that same wanting, desiring, yearning. wanting so much i loath myself for trying.
but why should i hate myself for something i have no control over? out of my hands, i begin to think. i can’t control everything. or anything, for that matter. i am floating in a place between wanting to get back on the horse and letting go. how pathetic.
there is so much to look forward to. i know that. i know all the things that will make me jump back into trying. i know it all.
time, time, time.
back to square one. i have such high expectations of myself. i should release the pressure. i’m sure everyone feels this way, at some point in their lives.
in your career, in love, in health. in life. disappointment that it didn’t work out how you wanted it to. does that make me a spoilt brat? maybe. i didn’t get my way and it pisses me off. but that’s okay. i’ll get over it.