in each moment

i haven’t written in a while. yes, it has only been a few days but considering the mass amount of posts i was making, it seems like a while. for me.

see, i haven’t been feeling up to it. the last few days have been crazy. each for their own reason. all have pushed me to an edge. individual. opposing. good and bad. and ugly. 

i can’t tell you why or how or what or anything. but over the past few days i’ve learned a fair bit. i’ve decided things, gone back on them. yes, then no, maybe, perhaps. i have been quite indecisive. 

ugh. see, writing it down kind of admits it to myself. which, for the most part, i am afraid to do. so i won’t. i don’t want to give up, but i don’t want to be caught in a situation i have no power over. external influences shouldn’t control my life. i should control my life, and my time here (to be more specific). i can’t handle volatile situations, don’t need to be around aggression, anger, stress. i should take the good with the bad. but for how long? at what point do i give up, throw in the towel, say i did my best, it’s time to move on? i’ve given all i can give.

so from day to day, hour to hour, i will change my mind. if in doubt, go without right? but what if i doubt both choices…

i’m nearly at the one month mark. i’m not counting down the days, just pointing out a fact. there is still so much to do here. for me, i’m not done. not yet. at least that’s how i feel for now.


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