bells

daniel, my eldest brother, is getting married tomorrow. i should be asleep. it’s going to be a long day. 6am start; hair, makeup, dresses, photos, flowers. church, organist, bubbles, champagne, congratulations’, smiles, tears, cake.

they do. 

daniel is a very private person. he likes to keep his life to himself, now themselves. leah is a beautiful girl. they were made for each other. congratulations to them, on this wonderful day. a lifetime of happiness awaits.

i don’t know how i feel about marriage. a wedding. the works. mum and dad are more in love than anyone i know. still, after 30 years. theirs is a fairy tale romance. if anyone made me believe in love, soul mates, destiny, it’s them. yet, for that reason, i feel they set the standard too high for me. i don’t know if anything, anyone, will ever be good enough. so i start doubting.

i want to fall in love, don’t get me wrong. i think, if it’s good, it will be magical. but, i also can’t fathom (at this point in my life) the notion of love and spending the rest of my life with one person – with all that pressure starting after one big party that costs an arm and a leg. as a little girl, i dreamed of a big wedding: i, the princess marrying my perfect prince. now, i think i’ve become a little too cynical. where did the romance go? but, in following that question, do i even care?

when i was 13, i had a boyfriend who lasted about six days. he held my hand and said nice things – and i didn’t like it. what sort of teenage girl was i?! sacrilege! i didn’t like the mushy stuff, and i still don’t. it makes me feel uncomfortable. i like normalcy. i like ease. i don’t want to know that my eyes sparkle like the stars or i smell as sweet as the first flowers of spring. but, i do want to know i’m loved. 

so, back to my point. a wedding? i’m not sure. at the church rehearsal last night, i already felt giddy. and it isn’t even my day. all that fuss to sign one piece of paper – a contract, document. shouldn’t love be enough? 

i’m tired of arguing with myself. i don’t have an opinion on this. i’m sitting on the fence. i hope it’s a comfortable fence because i think i’ll stay here for a while. until i’m head over heels in love with a man, i won’t be able to make up my mind about marriage. i wouldn’t mind a big party – but, there’s the point: i can have a big party without a man. without signing my life away to someone.

(unless of course he’s worth it…)

thoughts?

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