a place i’m in

i find myself struggling. i’m being pulled toward two different ideals and trying to live by both. it’s not easy. 

i want to be a strong, independent, new age woman. but, i also want to be looked after, led through a crowd, protected from harm. i’m stuck in a place between “power to the women” and “hi honey, how was your day?

you can see the dilemma.

you could say i have a slightly split personality. i don’t really know the type of person i am. and it changes from day to day. what i am facing now is this: am i strong enough to be all the people i want to be while still remaining true to myself?

over the past couple of years, i developed a very stubborn, headstrong, independent attitude. i learnt to stand my ground on all my beliefs and push the envelope on developed ideologies of today’s society, especially when it came to women’s rights and equality. along with that, i always held in the back of my heart my 10 year old self. the one who believed in love and fairy tales and happily ever after. i’ve always known i wanted a family and i’ve always known i wanted to be a great mother – if that means staying at home with my children and helping them grow up, i’ll happily do that. this totally flips my attitude on equality and puts me in a slightly hypocritical position. a position i don’t like, one i have started to resent.

i don’t like the mind frame i am in.

it’s been a while since i have thought about this and when i started thinking about it again, i realised i am battling with myself. and why? why should i have to make a choice on whether i want to be equality or family driven?

well, i shouldn’t have to. i am both.

i’ve always had this image representing love and comfort of a big brawny man protecting his tiny vulnerable wife or consoling her when she’s hurt or upset. i want a man to protect me, but i don’t want to be a vulnerable woman. i am a strong woman, already. i want to know i can defend myself, support myself, lift a heavy box or even change a tyre, all without the help of a man.

i refuse to be dependent on someone else. i refuse to be a pawn in a man’s life. i refuse to be disrespected.

i want love. i want a family. i want that image of a house with a white picket fence, two and a half kids and a golden retriever. i want to be a wife. but i want it all on equal terms.

that’s just who i am.


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